my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”