#parenting
You Might Also Like
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong