My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke