We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow