Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer