Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
You Might Also Like
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Seems kinda suspicious
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately