*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
i really liked this one
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.