I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.