Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LeBearGirdle's best tweets

@LeBearGirdle : Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

@LeBearGirdle: *looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn't it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

@LeBearGirdle: Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

@LeBearGirdle: God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can't possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

@LeBearGirdle: Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

@LeBearGirdle: Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*

Me: OH MY

@LeBearGirdle: It's sickening that I've paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

@LeBearGirdle: Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That's right, wolves.

@LeBearGirdle: *trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

@LeBearGirdle: Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it's a good thing I was already in a doctor's waiting room