Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LeBearGirdle's best tweets

@LeBearGirdle : Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock? *Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times* Me: OH MY

@LeBearGirdle: It's sickening that I've paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

@LeBearGirdle: Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That's right, wolves.

@LeBearGirdle: *trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

@LeBearGirdle: Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it's a good thing I was already in a doctor's waiting room

@LeBearGirdle: Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald's cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

@LeBearGirdle: *1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the... william?

@LeBearGirdle: Me: I think my computer's broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

@LeBearGirdle: *eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn't bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he's gone now

@LeBearGirdle: *Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers