@LeBearGirdle: Me at 15: I can't wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night :)
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it 'The Berry Delight' and it is bad
@LeBearGirdle: Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
@LeBearGirdle: *looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn't it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
@LeBearGirdle: Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Me: do that but the opposite
@LeBearGirdle: God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can't possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
@LeBearGirdle: Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
@LeBearGirdle: Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
@LeBearGirdle: It's sickening that I've paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
@LeBearGirdle: Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That's right, wolves.