This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
work smarter, not harder
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*