her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Is this you?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.