No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls