You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Every work call, he judges.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]