imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
You Might Also Like
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.