One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I need to get some bricks…
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!