SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]