My favorite sport ? Lasagna
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT