if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
You Might Also Like
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.