@LetMeStart: Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
@LetMeStart: My outfit today says "I'm going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards."
My outfit is full of lies.
@LetMeStart: [on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that's the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
@LetMeStart: Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids "no eating on the couch" while you're eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn't fair.
@LetMeStart: It's only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
@LetMeStart: 8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: ...so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
@LetMeStart: Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
@LetMeStart: Me: I couldn't eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
@LetMeStart: Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.