Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LetMeStart's best tweets

@LetMeStart : Son: How do you always know when we lie? It's like you're a psychic or a wizard or something. Me: The word you're looking for is "mother."

@LetMeStart: Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

@LetMeStart: My outfit today says "I'm going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards."
My outfit is full of lies.

@LetMeStart: [on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that's the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

@LetMeStart: Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids "no eating on the couch" while you're eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn't fair.

@LetMeStart: It's only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

@LetMeStart: 8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: ...so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

@LetMeStart: Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

@LetMeStart: Me: I couldn't eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

@LetMeStart: Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.