I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
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Okay me first
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Cats are still liquid.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you