You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.