INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Hot Hot Hot
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
How it started: How it’s going:
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
58.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.