before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
(Electricians.)
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.