Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…