found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer