Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.