trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
This is my bus stop.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”