Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
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[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Rambo Rambow
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me: