Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well