Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
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The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
😂😂😂
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me irl
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.