[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I feel it
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.