“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
You Might Also Like
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
who wants to go expliring
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
when there are deer in the woods
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
mumsnet is amazing
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull