Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
You Might Also Like
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I am patiently waiting for your email
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.