My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.