Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LinajkReturns's best tweets

@LinajkReturns : The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*

@LinajkReturns: You have beautiful eyes.
Too bad they're attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.

@LinajkReturns: I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

@LinajkReturns: Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?

Choosing dog food is hard.

@LinajkReturns: Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she's channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.

@LinajkReturns: Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don't send me a fruitcake. Already got one.

@LinajkReturns: So much mascara her eyes got stuck in the closed position.

Too bad lipstick doesn't work that way.

@LinajkReturns: If he buys your drink, but you're really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.

@LinajkReturns: Talking with a 17 year-old who is 'living life with no regrets' reminds me of that time I got in a shouting match with a trout.

@LinajkReturns: If he's hot on your heels, dump him.

You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.