My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.