Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry