[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
This is what makes twitter great
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Name another movie that mislead you?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.