This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
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“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Need this in my life lol
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
are there any atheist mantises?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?