@Lisabug74: Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@Lisabug74: My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

@Lisabug74: “Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” - fashion police

@Lisabug74: TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

@Lisabug74: I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I'm now a top seller on Etsy.

@Lisabug74: *gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

@Lisabug74: I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

@Lisabug74: 8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

@Lisabug74: I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.