if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours