Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
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My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.