Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : Eating Triscuits always feels like I'm chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

@LizHackett: I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: "If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he'll find his way back."

@LizHackett: BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn't Running A Hotel For Bees

@LizHackett: Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you're a detective on a stakeout.

@LizHackett: People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

@LizHackett: It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words "We need to leave in ten minutes."

@LizHackett: A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn't want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

@LizHackett: Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@LizHackett: I'm quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

@LizHackett: I'd be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU'RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.