Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

@LizHackett: It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words "We need to leave in ten minutes."

@LizHackett: A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn't want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

@LizHackett: Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@LizHackett: I'm quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

@LizHackett: I'd be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU'RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

@LizHackett: I don't want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

@LizHackett: It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

@LizHackett: Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, "Someday you will write jokes."

@LizHackett: It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.