Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren't invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

@LizHackett: No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence "We need to leave in ten minutes."

@LizHackett: I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

@LizHackett: ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

@LizHackett: I've studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

@LizHackett: I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook "Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways."

@LizHackett: Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor's child practices piano with what sounds like her face.

@LizHackett: I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn't look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

@LizHackett: God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

@LizHackett: I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.