@LizHackett: I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I'm going with that story.
@LizHackett: A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, "Your technique is flawless."
@LizHackett: God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked "Earth". The avocado drops out of his sandwich.
@LizHackett: Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
@LizHackett: I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
@LizHackett: "What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?" -- inventor of Autocorrect
@LizHackett: THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.