Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs."

@LizHackett: My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, "What's burning?" I told him, "The world. But what you smell is the chicken."

@LizHackett: I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she's traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@LizHackett: I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I'm going with that story.

@LizHackett: A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, "Your technique is flawless."

@LizHackett: God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked "Earth". The avocado drops out of his sandwich.

@LizHackett: You're a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken's done.

@LizHackett: Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

@LizHackett: I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

@LizHackett: THEM: You can't go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.