Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. "That will be you and me one day," I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can't cancel.

@LizHackett: I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: "If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap."

@LizHackett: Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper "This was $7 at TJ Maxx" or "I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper."

@LizHackett: ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it's incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

@LizHackett: The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

@LizHackett: How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, "Does nobody in this house knock?"

@LizHackett: A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn't a big deal, so I said out loud, "I saw that."

@LizHackett: I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

@LizHackett: A kid in the grocery store screamed "I'M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!" as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

@LizHackett: I'd be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.