Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LizHackett's best tweets

@LizHackett : I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook "Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways."

@LizHackett: Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor's child practices piano with what sounds like her face.

@LizHackett: I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn't look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

@LizHackett: God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

@LizHackett: I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

@LizHackett: [gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You're free now.

@LizHackett: It's Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

@LizHackett: I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.

@LizHackett: I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out "DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?"

@LizHackett: There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs."