@LizHackett: It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
@LizHackett: Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, "Someday you will write jokes."
@LizHackett: It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
@LizHackett: I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said "Oh, sorry" and closed the door like I'd walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
@LizHackett: My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. "That will be you and me one day," I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can't cancel.
@LizHackett: I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: "If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap."
@LizHackett: Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper "This was $7 at TJ Maxx" or "I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper."
@LizHackett: ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it's incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.