Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LlamaInaTux's best tweets

@LlamaInaTux : [first day as a doctor] Me: We're going to need to amputate your leg Patient: It's only a sore throat! Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

@LlamaInaTux: Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who's also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

@LlamaInaTux: My ideal woman:
- beautiful
- bold
- speaks French
- has an army
- is of arc

@LlamaInaTux: Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it's just an expression meaning I can't escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

@LlamaInaTux: Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald's employee: ok

@LlamaInaTux: Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That's me

Me: but you're an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

@LlamaInaTux: Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

@LlamaInaTux: "Son, you suck."

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

@LlamaInaTux: Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

@LlamaInaTux: Interviewer : what's your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I'd like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER