Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LlamaInaTux's best tweets

@LlamaInaTux : "Son, you suck." -Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

@LlamaInaTux: Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

@LlamaInaTux: Interviewer : what's your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I'd like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

@LlamaInaTux: Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he's not deaf

@LlamaInaTux: [Bartending]

Girl: I'd like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I'll make it, just stop calling me that

@LlamaInaTux: Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@LlamaInaTux: "They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-"

*the man grating parmesan stops*

"No, that wasn't a 'when' for you, keep going."

@LlamaInaTux: *tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

@LlamaInaTux: Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

@LlamaInaTux: HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues