Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LlamaInaTux's best tweets

@LlamaInaTux : *tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

@LlamaInaTux: Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

@LlamaInaTux: HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

@LlamaInaTux: Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I'm a man

@LlamaInaTux: [writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they'll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

@LlamaInaTux: Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

@LlamaInaTux: Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

@LlamaInaTux: Shot to the heart
And you're to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

@LlamaInaTux: If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

@LlamaInaTux: Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He's ruining the fondue again!