Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LlamaInaTux's best tweets

@LlamaInaTux : Worst things to discover while skydiving 1) chute won't open 2) a bear

@LlamaInaTux: Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

@LlamaInaTux: Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what's a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

@LlamaInaTux: [first day as a doctor]
Me: We're going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It's only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

@LlamaInaTux: Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who's also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

@LlamaInaTux: My ideal woman:
- beautiful
- bold
- speaks French
- has an army
- is of arc

@LlamaInaTux: Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it's just an expression meaning I can't escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

@LlamaInaTux: Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald's employee: ok

@LlamaInaTux: Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That's me

Me: but you're an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

@LlamaInaTux: Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ