Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LlamaInaTux's best tweets

@LlamaInaTux : *unhooking milker from my gorilla* wife: still no glue?

@LlamaInaTux: [my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh... *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

@LlamaInaTux: me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

@LlamaInaTux: [police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say 'boing boing'

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar's letter i: that's the one. He killed my husband

@LlamaInaTux: Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we've served you the wrong salad

@LlamaInaTux: My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn't actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

@LlamaInaTux: Judge: you've been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

@LlamaInaTux: Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

@LlamaInaTux: Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of 'fax machine' go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

@LlamaInaTux: friend: my dad said he was "going for cigarettes" and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let's try aisle 7