Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LlamaInaTux's best tweets

@LlamaInaTux : Judge: you've been charged with assault Batman: you mean battery Judge: no it was physical assault Batman: *whispers* batsault

@LlamaInaTux: Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

@LlamaInaTux: Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of 'fax machine' go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

@LlamaInaTux: friend: my dad said he was "going for cigarettes" and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let's try aisle 7

@LlamaInaTux: My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

@LlamaInaTux: [aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won't need to wear glasses

@LlamaInaTux: Me: I probably shouldn't throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we've never seen seals murder someone so violently before

@LlamaInaTux: Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you 'Merry Christmas'

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we're Jewish Joseph

@LlamaInaTux: [haunted house]

Me: I'm terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I've never spoken to this many girls before

@LlamaInaTux: [Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it... Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant