Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LlamaInaTux's best tweets

@LlamaInaTux : Me: *patting my wife's belly* we have something to tell you Her Mom: what? Me: *patting her mom's belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this Her Dad: are you serious? Me: *patting his belly* yes

@LlamaInaTux: [first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I'll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

@LlamaInaTux: [First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

@LlamaInaTux: Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

@LlamaInaTux: Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they're too small to hold cameras

@LlamaInaTux: [Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he's all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

@LlamaInaTux: You don't need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

@LlamaInaTux: Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won't open
2) a bear

@LlamaInaTux: Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

@LlamaInaTux: Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what's a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.