@LlamaInaTux: Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
@LlamaInaTux: Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what's a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
@LlamaInaTux: [first day as a doctor]
Me: We're going to need to amputate your leg
Patient: It's only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
@LlamaInaTux: Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who's also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
@LlamaInaTux: My ideal woman:
- speaks French
- has an army
- is of arc
@LlamaInaTux: Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it's just an expression meaning I can't escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
@LlamaInaTux: Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald's employee: ok
@LlamaInaTux: Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That's me
Me: but you're an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
@LlamaInaTux: Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ