Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Human are so complicated
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Can’t stop laughing