my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up