if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
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People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.