Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.