Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
who wants to go expliring
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
This is hilarious….
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth