Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
moms in horror movies
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic