He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Lmfaoooooo
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*