I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.