Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Employees must applaud the planets.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager