I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.